Birthday eve brain space

Alright, it’s the last day before my birthday. The last day I get to be just “40” before I’m suddenly thrust into being “in my 40s” (insert gag noise here). As I’m writing this, it’s about 3am. My mind is spinning, giving me visions of sugar plums dancing in my head. And by sugar plums, I mean seeing myself in my ideal life, taking the steps I know I need to take. In this case, it’s me recording the “intro” video I’ve been wanting to make to officially pre-launch this whole Dark and Sparkly…thing. Adventure, maybe? Endeavor…that works. And I picture me just being my real, unfiltered, weirdo self. Talking about how I’m tired of trying to mask to fit what I perceive as others’ expectations of me. Talking about how much anxiety I get being in front of the camera. But I’ve gained some more confidence in this 40th lap around the sun. I’ve also seriously downsized the amount of fucks I have to give.

I figured I’d also probably talk about some of the reasons that I’ve decided it’s important to share my stories, my life. Not in like an egotistical or narcissistic way. I keep worrying that that’s how this would come across to people. I’ve had enough encounters with people like that in my life that it feels weird to be proud of myself or talk about my accomplishments, or even my dreams, as if doing so would also make me narcissistic. And then I realize that there have to be other people who have been through some of the same shit that I have. Maybe somehow they’ll see my goofy ass just being me and talking about stuff, and maybe it will help give them some validation for something they’re dealing with. Or maybe just watching my silly goose shenanigans brings someone joy.

Maybe it won’t do anything, but that’s cool, too, because ultimately, I am doing this for me. Which might be selfish after all. Except it’s not that icky-feeling kind of selfish; it’s the kind that feels like loving yourself and taking care of your soul. It’s the kind of selfish that feels like healing because you are finally comfortable in your own skin. It’s finding strength again in using your voice without limitation.

So…I decided that even though recording a video is kind of scary, and actually posting it is terrifying, I might as well just get it over with. Anything I think about and over-analyze this much eventually pesters me enough that I end up doing it at some point. Why not now? Then at least I can fast forward through some of the anticipation anxiety and self-inflicted feelings of guilt and disappointment (I hope you understand that this should be read in a tone that conveys the humor I find in it despite it still being completely true; if this were a text, it would be accompanied by “lol 🤪”).

So yeah, stay tuned for that video and announcement of what I’ve got brewing over here. For those of you who got through this and still wanna hang around for more: love, peace, and chicken grease; y’all are my people! 🫶

Stay tuned. We’re gonna laugh. There will probably be some tears. I’mma keep it real, and it’s gonna get silly.

Stay weird, y’all. Love you byeeeee 💜